Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
These tits shall not be calmed
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