Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
