I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
