Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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