Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
