girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
