Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
