i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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