Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
