she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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