i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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