nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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