Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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