You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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