you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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