I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
