chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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