I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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