There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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