If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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