im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
