I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
