He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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