if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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