So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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