The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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