I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
