Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
