Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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