Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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