Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
