Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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