Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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