The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
