I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
