dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
