my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
