i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
