The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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