at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
