I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
