Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think people are normalizing furries
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
