Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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