i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
