Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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