Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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