the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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