I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
