Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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