i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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