I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
