Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
